Grrr!!!!

As previously posted I had another seizure last Wednesday.   I think I missed a dosage of my pills but still, something isn’t right.  I miss one dosage and only 3 hours later I have a seizure?  They said that stress may had an effect on it too.  I asked my parents and they said duh, you are totally overstressed and the at work they forced me to take time off for the exact same reason.  But they don’t get it.  They send me home and all it does is make it harder for me when I come back because no one can do what I do there, GRRR!!!  Even when I was forced ‘off’ they would call me at home or email me to handle things.  Its like, this would be way easier if you just let me come to work instead of guessing or trying to direct you through my office!!  So I go back work tomorrow with no doctor’s note or anything and dependent on mommy or daddy to drive to and from work again.  It will be interestin if they me in or not.  They seemed pretty adament about me not coming back without a note but with their depedency on me now, and deadlines approaching I am willing to bet they will ‘forget’ to ask me for the note.

Here we go again

Just when I thought I had this stupid cancer thing beat … I had another seizure last Wednesday.  Now I am too scared to drive or anything for that matter.  I got sent home from work two days in a row because they don’t want me there until my doctor gives the okay.  I try to get a hold of the guy and he won’t return my calls or emails.  I don’t know why I am writing this, I guess I just want to write it down and get it off my chest.

Oh wells, I’ll get through this just like every other thing in my life.

Do Dreams Mean Anything?

I had some weird dreams last night.

One of them was a recurring nightmare that I have had since I graduated from university.  I have it at least twice a month.  I dream that it is a month before final exams and I completely forgot about a calculus class that I was enrolled in but never attended, like ever.  Never handed one assignment, never wrote any mid-terms, nothing.  Naturally, I panic and then I wake up in a sweat.  It is then that I realize that I have graduated from school already.  This dream scares me the most because my family was very dependent on me graduating and getting a good job to help out.  So not graduating would have been an absolute disaster.  Thankfully I did graduate and have a job that I absolutely love.

The next dream I had dealt with my future.  I dreamed that I finally achieved my goal of being able to send my parents into retirement while at the same time buying a home for myself and my wife, who I never see in the dream, but others refer to her in the dream.  So at least I’m not pathetic in my dreams too!  My siblings still looked the same and were still living with my parents, who also looked as they do now.  Waking up from that dream and realizing that I was still single and lived with my parents kinda sucked.  Those dreams I classify as being really mean dreams and can be just as bad as nightmares.  It’s like a picture of someone life that is better than yours, enjoy it, enjoy it and then byebye!

The next dream I had, ya I didn’t sleep many hours in a row last night, dealt with me witnessing a crime by the mob and then having them chase me.  Only, I could only run in slow motion.  No matter how hard I tried, I just couldn’t move any faster.  And although they shot like a thousand bullets in my direction, I never got hit.  So I just kept running and running and running trying to go faster and faster and faster but still couldn’t, only slo-mo.  The dream ended when I got winded and I turned around to see these guys, but they weren’t there anymore and the dream completely changed into something else.  A girl I knew was drowning in a lake.  And in my dream she could swim, I don’t know if she can or not in real life, but in the dream she could, but she was perfectly content on drowning herself.  So I jumped in the lake to save her from herself.  After I pull her out, I was like WTF!! but before she could respond I ended up waking up again.

I don’t believe in interpreting dreams to actually mean anything, but I’m always interested in people’s interpretations.  Just for the record, I did contact the girl to see if she was OK, just to be sure she wasn’t going through some stuff and she seemed to be alright.  If you have any suggestions to any of the above lemme know.

Zero!!!

It’s finally over!! Twelve grueling months of chemotherapy. I was told by my doctor that 12 months is second longest stint he has ever prescribed. One other guy needed 16 months, but my dosage was much higher than his, so the way I see it, I win.

Throughout the course of my treatment I had mixed reactions. Some people thought I was brave for carrying on as normal as I could given the condition I was in, while others took the extreme opposite and shunt me away like I was some kind of plague, like if they shook my hand, they would somehow get a brain tumour too. Idiots. I did learn a lot however throughout this whole ordeal. One of the most important things I learned was who my real friends were. I didn’t have many friends to begin with, I mean if you include those from my graduating class it would only be a total of 10 people. I used to be on Facebook and my total friends list was maxed out at one point at 22 people. I’m 29 years old and I only had 22 people on my Facebook. The reason for that is another discussion for another day, but I realized that out of the small group that I called friends, even fewer true friends that I can really count on to be there for me no matter what.

Throughout my treatment they wanted me to talk to a councilor or therapist. You see when went in for my monthly check-ups they would look at me and be puzzled as to how lightly I was taking the situation. But the truth of it is I was very fortunate. The tumour was in a good part of my brain, relatively easy operation and the treatment afterward was a week of pills at the start of each month. Not to mention that my family was extremely supportive and the few true friends that I have were unreal, my one friend picked me up every morning and drove me to work and then drove me home after work. I work with this friend, but she doesn’t exactly live around the corner.

The pills I was taking were brutal from time to time, I’m not going to lie, but I didn’t suffer like most cancer patients do. Not even close. When I was in the cancer clinic I would feel so guilty that I was so lucky and others weren’t. Sometimes I would see a little kid that was balding from his chemo and that memory, it just sticks with you.

I never did go see a councilor, I didn’t feel the need for it and still don’t really. I was actually kind of surprised when the doctors told me that I was too ‘relaxed’ with the situation. Well, I just figured panicking and worrying about it is not going to get me anywhere and whatever happens, happens.

To be 100% honest with everyone, the most difficult aspects of the illness was the burden I placed on my family on friends. When I was I first diagnosed, my dad was in the room. I usually look at the ground when I’m talking to a doctor but this time my eyes were locked on him and when he heard those words. That hurt. Mama wasn’t even in the country when I was diagnosed. She was visiting my grandmother (who still doesn’t know, we figured it would be better) in DC. You want to talk about a hard phone call. That one hurt. She tried to come home right away but I was diagnosed in February/March 2007 and for those that remember we had a nasty snow storm on the east side here and everything was shut down, planes, trains even buses. It took a week for her to come home. She ended up staying at some strangers house in New York City. Her trip home is also another story for another day. But when she finally came, I know for a fact she was destroyed on in the inside, you see I’m the first born, therefore the favorite. But she put on the bravest front ever. Being even more of a burden, my tumour presented itself via a seizure. Some medical talk there for ya And everyone knows, once you have a seizure, no more driving. So now, I am not only worrying them due to the BRAIN CANCER, but they have to drive me everywhere. And you know you’re the shiznit when your 29 and your moms drops you off at the mall!

Anyways, I don’t know how to end this post except to say I am glad that it is over and I would not change a thing. I know I put my family through a lot and I was burden and the chemo did suck at times, but I think my family, everyone I value around me and I are better off for this experience.

One …

Two …

Three …

Four …

Five …

I’m not that pathetic.

In my last post I talked about my latest encounter with the opposite sex. This is a continuation of that story.

After that episode I needed time to recoup. I decided to to just screw it with women for now and go back to having a one track mind on my career. To be honest, I was bumming out hard after that. I know we didn’t know each other and to be honest with you, I didn’t really feel the feeling that I was told you would get when you meet the girl you were meant to be with, but it was the circumstances more than anything that bothered me. So I put it behind me. Aside from one or two things in my life I have gotten quite good at putting things behind me and moving on. I mean even the tumour doesn’t bother me.

So after putting this thing behind me and moving on, we get a call from the girl’s best friend, the one that was grilling me the last time. At first I didn’t even who she was. I met her for like 15 minutes! She called to apologize for what happened with the other girl and then actually had the guts to suggest another girl for me to see. She says, “I think this girl would be PERFECT for you!”. We met for 15 minutes. What the hell do you know about me to say that some girl would be PERFECT for me. You’re a complete stranger to me and you think I’m gonna take your advice on some broad I have never met before. Oh, and here’s the best part, she’s a Muslim like me and drinks. I found that out because the friend tells me that you know, she’s cool like us, she only drinks socially. For the first time in my life I actually hung up the phone on someone. Click.

Ever since I decided that I want to move on with my life, meet someone and fall for her. Everyone seems to think they know me and who I am looking for. My family tried that once and it didn’t work out at all and I ended up losing big time. They learned their lesson and now leave me alone. I wish everyone else would too.

Hanging up that phone on her felt so good, that at times, I wish the world was a phone I could hang up on people that think they know me and try to fix me up. Like I said, I’m not talking about my family here, I’m talking about co-workers or even better friends of friends! I’m telling you, some days, just click.